The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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