Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
