Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is Oprah even human
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
