you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
