it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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