In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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