I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
