I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
