apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
