just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
