Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
