After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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