she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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