I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
