if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
