Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm experimenting with sincerity
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
