grandma shit on top of the toilet
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
