I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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