i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
