someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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