Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
