i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
