my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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