there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
