when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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