I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
