i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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