So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
