I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
