I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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