Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
