If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just invented taco cereal.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
