My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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