Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
