somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
