saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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