My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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