Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
