Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
True college students do jello shots in the library
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
