It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
