she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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