So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
