you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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