Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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