Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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