So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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