I wish I only lived at night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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