There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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