Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
