i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
